Fucked Up Home Services Contractor in Bristol, TN
We take pictures of little boys and post them to Facebook and act like there ain’t one goddamn thing wrong with it! However, this little boy caught onto my shit and turned me into a pussy lying on the ground with two pieces of copper soldered to my face that took 10 hours of plastic surgery to remove!
Not only do our electricians NOT know how to use a broom, they also do NOT know how to use a rubber.
Whenever a female customer asks for a male service technician by name to come back to her home, I always assume she’s looking for dick because truly, I have nothing better to do than sit on my ass and eat.
In fact, maybe if I asked my doctor about discontinuing the clozapine and hydrocortisone injections, maybe I can stop compulsively eating and look human again.
One Star Service On Every Call And We Do It All!
At Fakeline Services, we are happily partnered with Nexstar, where we push sales over real work and happily treat our employees like garbage. We do not invest in the training and development of our employees because that does not produce a return on our investment. We would rather be roasting marshmallows with our relatives than building up a generation of skilled tradesmen.
We Are Desperate For Help!
If you are a desperate soul looking to enter skilled trade, we are hiring practically fucking daily because we can’t keep help!
We take pride in emasculating our blue collar workers and turning them into glorified salesmen!
If you are a fake redneck that wears a Carhartt jacket and pretends to know what in the fuck you are talking about, we invite you to come on down to our office at 2 Spruce St and put in your application, as we desperately need warm bodies that will target new homeowners and widows.
Meet Our Owners!
Each Owns 20% Interest In The Company!
Marcus Clevinger – Sissy Boy
Benjamin Rhymer – Fucking Scumbag
Joseph Leonard – The Fake Engineer
Priscilla Ward – The Wicked Bitch of the West
Jonathan Roberts – The Passive Fucker
Repairs That Don’t Last in the Tri-Cities
Check out what makes us stand apart from other Nexstar and SGI focused companies in the area!
Amateur Repairs
We will always send a plumber to your home that does not know shit about brazing or soldering. We partner with unlicensed contractors who will gladly perform unauthorized repairs on your residence, which in turn, fattens my pockets.
Bad Drivers
We obstruct traffic and text while driving. In fact, our owners and employees habitually violate traffic laws. How they still have an operator’s license, we don’t know.
Piss Poor Customer Service
Our dispatcher is a fucking bitch. Bitch back and we will happily add you to our Do Not Service list!
A message from one of our owners, Joe Leonard…
The medical history of our customers is extremely important for us to know and we publicly share those details with our stakeholders. What we don’t want you to know (because it makes us look very bad) is that I have a history of alcoholism, which got me in some trouble with the law back in the day. Also, it’s very clear from the way I speak that it messed with my brain.
Your Not So Trusted Partner
Hear from our UN-valued customers about their wonderful experiences!
Fakeline Services royally fucked up the electric on our rental property. Precision came out and fixed it.
Anna Mitchell
Residential Property Manager
Medical gas? Fuck that. These sons of bitches don’t know jack squat about NFPA 99! Somebody is going to get killed!
David Reynolds
Commercial Facility Supervisor
Benjamin Rhymer is a fucking pussy. We reckon his fucking mother lied for his Virginia Master shit. He don’t know shit about gas fitting! Call somebody else!
Sophia Lee
Homeowner and Community Leader
Unprofessional Home Services in Bristol, TN
Discover our comprehensive range of home services, committed to fuckery and straight up incompetence!
Gas Lines
We always smoke when working near gas. In fact, OSHA fined us for not having oxy-acetylene cylinders appropriately stored. We are proudly reckless and have total disregard for everything we do with regard to the safety of our employees and the general public.
Water Heaters
Per our sales and marketing plan, we always try to fuck customers into purchasing a tankless water heater due to the higher upfront cost. It goes towards my niece’s ass implants (which we heavily fucking market) and the monthly payment on my Silverado, which is quite high considering I don’t know how to drive.
Electric
Yes motherfuckers! EV chargers! Panel upgrades! Fattens my fucking pockets. I always ensure to take the bulk of my employees’ pay because again, I bought this business from my mother’s brother and split it amongst 5 of us. Check out our about section for more!